Chapter 4
People gathered tightly along the streets in a massive crowd to welcome the expedition back. The blare of brass horns resounded as the procession on horseback made its entrance.
“Raaah!”
The citizens of the Empire cheered for the returning expedition. Standing out most prominently at the head of the parade was Duke Dieren Nodlen Spear. Riding side by side with the knight commander, the Duke’s blue cloak and dark brown hair fluttered gently with the rhythm of his horse’s stride. Cheers erupted louder everywhere he passed.
Dieren stared ahead blankly. To him, the cheers and instruments were mere noise, muffled and brushing past his ears. The knight commander glanced at his handsome, stoic profile and spoke.
“Your Grace, please wave your hand. The citizens are welcoming you.”
At the commander’s words, Dieren raised a hand and slowly waved. Yet his gaze as he looked around remained empty.
His heart was heavy, sunk in darkness. Overwhelmed with loss and a sense of futility, he could not bring himself to smile.
He had volunteered at the imperial palace to go on an expedition again after three years because he wanted to see the cursed land with his own eyes. Until three years ago, it had still been a territory ruled by rebels. But in the end, that cursed land had been completely abandoned.
He had seen it for himself, just as he had wished: the fallen kingdom isolated in white, and her, who had vanished, scattered into mist and ice.
Tears did not fall, but beneath his eyes and in his chest, a persistent sting remained. He had thought this would be the last time, yet knowing it truly was the end made it impossible to simply move on.
Perhaps it was a selfish fantasy. Only by letting go of even this would he truly be letting the girl go.
“Please turn your head as well. Everyone came out just to catch a glimpse of your face, Your Grace.”
Obligatorily, Dieren slowly turned his head, looking over the crowd flanking the procession. He did feel grateful to see them welcoming the expedition with bright expressions.
“Huh…?”
Dieren’s eyes widened, and he turned his head back toward the spot he had just passed. The light was already gone.
It was an undeniable feeling of déjà vu. A sensation pulling him, fresh from wandering through the mist, back into clear air.
It can’t be…
Even while telling himself it was impossible, Dieren pulled his horse to a stop and dismounted on the spot.
The surrounding area fell into confusion as the Duke suddenly surged into the crowd of citizens, desperately searching for something.
“Your Grace! Your Grace!”
“No… That’s impossible…”
Two knights followed behind and caught hold of him. Standing frozen like a man who had lost his mind, the Duke eventually pressed a hand to his forehead and turned back.
This incident ended up splashed across the front page of the newspapers. [Duke Spear’s Erratic Behavior: Has He Found the Lady of His Destiny?]
* * *
I must be mistaken. There’s no way he saw me…
The moment she thought their eyes had met, Jisen immediately turned on her heel and fled. Susan hurried after her, completely bewildered.
She could feel the commotion brewing behind her and heard the rising murmurs of the crowd. Without giving herself time to wonder what was happening, Jisen slipped deeper into the sea of bodies. Pulling her hat down further to hide her face, she pressed a hand over her thumping heart. Susan nervously inspected Jisen to check her condition.
“Miss Jisen, are you all right?”
“Yes, just a bit further…”
Panting, Jisen kept walking. Lacking physical stamina, walking even a little fast left her out of breath.
Only when they finally reached a quiet side street with few people did she stand still and catch her breath. Susan stroked Jisen’s back and checked her condition once more, as Jisen turned her head to look back toward the crowd. The procession of the Knights of Spear was moving further away.
It really was Dieren. A Dieren who doesn’t know me…
Jisen felt as if her breath caught the moment she laid eyes on him. Watching him from afar with memories only she possessed brought a wistful tenderness that stung the corners of her eyes. She had thought she was adapting well to this returned past, but facing him again was no easy matter.
Still, I’m glad I saw him first.
Just thinking about how awkwardly she would have acted if she had run into him without any preparation was horrifying.
Seeing Dieren after so long, he was as handsome as ever. Just as when she had first seen him, his somber, uninterested expression gave him a distinct, captivating aura.
Days of merely looking at him from a distance, their eyes only grazing, resurfaced one by one. The Count’s interference had made it difficult to arrange time for just the two of them. Yet even in those trying circumstances, she would always get excited just looking at his eyes.
All the days spent with Dieren had been slow and cautious. Holding hands, their first hug, their first kiss… It was all so innocent that others would have teased them for being completely clueless. Jisen had liked that comfortable pace, but death had moved faster than her love.
To see him alive again…
Jisen gently slapped her cheeks with her hands. She needed to pull herself together. She didn’t have the luxury of dwelling in a past that had already ended. After all, reality was right now, a present where Dieren didn’t even remember her.
Once the returning expedition’s procession had passed completely, the crowd filling the street dispersed. Jisen stood in place, watching the passersby. As she did, snippets of conversation drifted into her ears.
“Did you see him? Oh, he really is remarkably handsome.”
“When was the imperial banquet again?”
“The mood in the capital is going to change.”
After quietly mulling over those words, Jisen whispered to Susan.
“Why is everyone making such a fuss?”
“Of course they’re making a fuss. You came out to see the handsome duke too, Miss Jisen.”
“Ah…”
“Everyone wants to get on that handsome duke’s good side. He’s young and capable, with no lover and no fiancée.”
Previously, Jisen had not known much about how people outside viewed Duke Spear. She had no opportunity to meet people, and on the rare occasions she did, the Duke was present, so she never heard others evaluate him. The Count, however, had cursed him often.
Jisen’s understanding of him had been formed solely at imperial events, the Temple, or when they were alone.
She wondered if he was being praised a bit too highly, but since everything Susan said was true, she had nothing to object to. To think she had once received a proposal from such a man felt undeserved no matter how she thought about it. In any case, thinking that they were once again so distant left her feeling lost.
When Jisen recalled that they had returned to being complete strangers, her mood sank. Susan grew worried as Jisen’s complexion turned pale.
“Miss Jisen, are you all right? We should head back now.”
“Since we’re already out, let’s walk a bit more before going back. It’s fascinating to see so many people.”
Susan was in a dilemma. Since they had snuck out, it seemed best to return quickly, but she also felt bad dissuading her lady when she was out for the first time in a long while. A short moment should be fine, right? After all, it was still a long time before the Count returned home, and no servant would pay attention to the west gate or Jisen’s room.
Jisen walked slowly, taking in the street. Having been trapped in both body and mind, she hadn’t been able to care or find interest in how others lived. Only now did she see it: teahouses bustling with people, carriages busily passing by, stalls filled with food and goods, people gathered in small groups…
“How do most people enjoy themselves?”
“Well, I suppose everyone enjoys entertainment.”
“And what would that entail?”
“It varies from person to person. From what I see, it’s mostly extravagance, gambling, and drinking.”
“Oh. Extravagance, gambling, and drinking.”
Jisen carefully stored those three words in her mind.
“Spending money, winning money, or getting drunk. Nothing is as entertaining as those.”
“Do you like them too, Susan?”
“Of course. Whenever I rest, it’s always one of those three.”
“So Susan likes extravagance, gambling, and drinking too.”
“Oh, Miss…”
She had only repeated them to commit them to memory, but somehow it felt as if she had teased Susan, which was amusing. Perhaps this was why people made jokes and said playful things. Unconsciously, Jisen let out a quiet laugh. Seeing this, Susan stared at her with a blank expression.
“Wow…”
“What’s wrong?”
“I’ve never seen you smile, Miss Jisen.”
Upon hearing those words, Jisen’s face contorted awkwardly. The inner ends of her eyebrows and the corners of her mouth twitched at the same time, forming a strange expression.
“Huh? Uh… Does my smile look strange?”
“Strange? What you’re doing right now is stranger!”
A blue light.
It was fascinating that Susan truly didn’t think her smile was strange. Jisen returned to her usual emotionless demeanor.
I’m plain… so I shouldn’t smile strangely. I need to be careful.
Indeed, it was better not to show her smile. She hadn’t believed Dieren when he told her she was beautiful. Once feelings had developed, he must have felt obliged to say only nice things… Recalling his voice made her elated, but now, it was all useless memories.
Jisen stopped in front of a toy shop. Peering into the shop lined with row upon row of dolls, she walked inside as if spellbound. Jisen bitterly looked around at the dolls.
A little lady doll.
Looking back on her past, she had been in the same boat as those dolls. Sitting meekly, kept for show.
“They look like me.”
If there was a difference, it was that she hadn’t received anyone’s affection and care. Dieren’s gentle smile flashed in her mind, but Jisen shook her head to drive the thought away.
“Well, you are lovely, Miss.”
“No. Sitting still, I mean.”
“Ah…”
“You don’t have to say things you don’t mean.”
Susan lost her words and stared at Jisen. Her young mistress, who used to stay locked in her room, was as fair and delicate as a teacup. While not an extravagant beauty, she seemed born with a subtle elegance.
Susan preferred the lady who shouted at the Count and asked to go out over the quiet Jisen of before. Though having such a flawed view of herself might be the lady’s only flaw.
Jisen fixed her eyes on a single doll. The light-haired doll had its eyes closed, looking as if it were peacefully asleep. She liked the purple ribbon attached to the neck of its white dress.
“Please wrap this one up.”
“It must be a gift. The recipient will surely be delighted.”
“I hope so.”
The shopkeeper carefully wrapped the doll. Gently stopping Susan, Jisen held the wrapped doll in her arms and stepped out of the shop.
The way back felt shorter than when they had left. Just walking the street made her feel like a citizen of the Empire, which was a novel experience.
Returning to the house, Jisen recorded the moments of that day in the notebook she called her will. As she wrote line by line, each moment flashed before her eyes.
V Going out of my own free will
V Seeing the handsome duke
V Learning what people like: extravagance, gambling, drinking
V Gifting myself a doll
The closed-eyed doll took its spot on Jisen’s bookshelf. Jisen felt comforted by the doll’s peaceful face. She hoped that the painful past she had endured would sleep peacefully alongside the doll.